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Flirtation: Nature or Nurture?

You may not believe this, but I’m a notorious flirt.

(Yes, this is me pausing for anyone who knows me at all – while you wipe the screen from the resulting spit-take)

Anyway, I am. It’s just part of my personality. If it lives, I’m liable to flirt with it. Men, women, fictional characters, trees, inanimate obj–er, well, you get my point.

Truth is, I do it without really thinking and, for the longest time, I didn’t even realize it was flirtation. I just thought I was intrigued by people and, as a by-product, enjoyed them. Making them smile. Making them feel good.

As I got older and gained a better idea of what flirtation was, I started making distinctions between when it might be more platonic vs. sexual/sensual — but it still doesn’t mean that I don’t toss the double entendres or suggestive glances and laughter with people I’m 100% friends with.

I’ve been lucky in my life when it comes to my flirtatious nature. My friends understand it. No one really takes it all that seriously.

Most importantly, the men in my life have always been understanding and, when I get really lucky, enjoy that side of my personality.

If I had to take a guess, I think it’s because they always seem to know that, nomatter how much I flirt, I’m going home with them. So, they can lean back against the bar and watch me work a room with a small contented smile. I get to enjoy flirting and they get to enjoy me flirting and it all works out brilliantly.

So, now you have an idea of what sort of experience I have when it comes to my personal view of flirting.

(Pausing a second before the next section- This is geek specific for a couple reasons. 1) I’m attracted to geeks, so flirting with them is more fun for me. 2) Since I tend to spend much of my time in the company of geeky/nerdy/techy types, I’m more familiar with them)

Second thing I’ve noticed: Geeks flirt. And some of them are -really- good at it.

However, and here’s the ponder, I’ve gotten more than one comment over the years that their significant others don’t like it when they flirt.

Personally, I don’t understand that. It’s always seemed to me that, the more someone didn’t let me be myself, the more I’d rebel. The more someone was insecure about how I felt about them, the more likely I was to find them needy or clingy.

But the more freedom I was allowed to express myself, the more loved and supported and sexy I felt. The more I was trusted, the more secure I felt.

The more I’m loved for who I am, the more in love I am with the guy in my life.

Just makes sense in my mind.

Oh, let me clarify a few things — there are rules and there are boundaries and if I cross those, then I deserve whatever consequences I’ve earned. I know what’s out of bounds. If I don’t, I ask.

And you can bet that any time the boy wants me by his side at the bar, I’ll cheerfully smile at whatever pretty thing I’m talking to and head on over.

If you’re in love with someone who flirts well, why would you not let them flirt?

I was thinking about it, so I figured, why not ask?


  1. Jealousy = insecurity, whether culturally biased or psychologically motivated.

    Geeks showing more insecurity than the world at large? Perish Forbid!

    I used to spend a lot of time involved with a Goth nightclub. Obviously flirt-city. So I got over most of my jealousy and pettinesss then, understanding when I was dating someone who (like myself, BTW), worked the room and likes to be appreciated, it was part of their personality. Hey, some people glow when they are in their social groove, why inhibit them.

    But that didn’t happen right off the bat, and it takes dome experience and self-analysis to get over that.

    On the other side, some of my RPG and SCA peers took a LOT longer to cope with their Significant Others warming up a room. Some of them still have this problem.

    Is there a correspondence between the insecurity in earlier life that casues identification with a social sub-tribe and the later insecurity found in the dating rituals of said flock?

    Don’t know. I haven’t done the research, nor seen it. But I wouldn’t bet against the hypothesis.

  2. Geo Geo

    Nice post. I’d have to say I am a bit of a flirt, and people flirt with me all the time (wtihin reason), but my long time bf knows at the end of the day, we go home together, and everything is all good. :)

  3. My Ex told me that she used to flirt a lot with other people. I have to be honest and say that I seldom noticed it.
    It certainly never bothered me.

    (On the other hand, I did notice when some of her close friends flirted with her, and that did bother me a bit, but we all have our foibles and I only mentioned it once and ignored it after saying my piece).

    Yeah, anyway, we were in a pretty serious relationship, we did love each other etc, and there was no problem.

    I’m never very conscious of flirting myself. I’m not 100% sure I do it at all. *sigh* The pights of geekdom ;)

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