Ponderation on Geek Dating & Love Lives (or lack there of)

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Ponderation on Geek Dating & Love Lives (or lack there of)

I got asked earlier today what looked for most in a man and my answer was immediate.

Intelligence.**

So, that said, here's what got me pondering:

Any time I make a comment to that effect, I get a few different but overwhelmingly similar responses.

A) Geek Gals agree and either tell me they are seeking or currently have an intelligent man they love and adore.

B) Geek Guys reply that they either have a woman who feels the same or, and here's what got me thinking, that they can't seem to meet a woman who feels the same way.

How is it that there are that many Geek women out there who want intelligent men, but the Geek men can't seem to find them.

Where are the Geek Men looking? Where are the Geek girls hanging out?

Do you think you're looking in the right places in order to meet someone who would dig you just as you are you doing the dating equivalent of looking for a fresh water fish in the ocean? (I know, bad pun. But you know what they say...plenty of fi--oh, whatever.)

Thoughts?

And be honest ;-)

**Sense of humor runs a close second, but I generally find that intelligence and a sense of humor go hand in hand.

17 comments:

  1. I seem to remember before I found my wife the biggest problem seemed to be that most women who were looking for "intelligent men" actually meant "intelligent men... who look like Hugh Jackman (or Brad Pitt, whoever)"

    Guys are guilty of the same too when they are looking for "intelligent women (... who look like Meghan Fox, whoever)"

    Hollywood and the media sets a standard your average person can never live up to...

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  2. About 7 years ago I had a coworker who I thought was adorable (we would sit in the park and read smart books during lunch). He had a gf who sounded equally adorable, but he was afriad he was going to have to dump her because she wasn't smart enough.

    He was an avid golfer. He was going to go golfing with his dad, and so she called him at work to tell him that his dad had said their "tea party" was at noon. She meant "tee time."

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  3. Personally, I've been out of the dating 'scene' for quite some time, but as an Old School Geek (well, not THAT old, but 35) growing up in Southern California, there wasn't much available to geeks 15 - 25 years ago. I think that it came down to having to use the odds in your favor. If you liked independent films, then you would go to the type of places where you *hoped* you would find like-minded individuals. This was true whether your geekosity manifested itself in the form of comedy, computers, literature, film, toys, games or all of the above.

    Those same avenues still exist, but now with the interwebs at our disposal (and who to better navigate it than us geeks), it really does make the process a heck of a lot more efficient. With niche sites like gk2gk it's hard to use the excuse that there just isn't way for you to find people. Do I think that meeting somebody online is the perfect way to go, maybe it is for some but not for others. Personally I think it's easier to strike up a more 'real' conversation online rather than in a bar somewhere in the gut of L.A.

    What it really comes down to, I think, are 2 things. First, people don't know what they really want. Second, people are afraid to be themselves. I don't think this has anything to do with geekosity, necessarily, but I think it is a little more common for geeks to struggle with this (or maybe I'm just projecting). If people can have the courage to be themselves and to have the courage to not be afraid to say what they want, then things will work. If you're willing to settle though, then you're going to end up being disappointed in the results.

    Just my $0.04. :)

    @chipch13

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  4. I agree with you, @chipch13. I think you have to be ready to take a chance and get outside your comfort zone. It took me (insert scary number here) years to find my Geek guy - an equivalent in looks, brains, and personality. And I had to take a great leap of faith and be way outside my comfort zone. Geekgirls and Geekguys are everywhere - we all have other interests and can be found in the oddest of places. EVERYONE has a hard time finding their "perfect" mate. Introverts simply more so than extroverts, and the geek community is dominated by introverts. Although we do have a community, you still have to keep your eyes open and be ready to SEE, not just look, outside it as well.

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  5. I met my husband online, back in high school. We both had friends, and had dated other people. I just wanted a guy I could talk comics with.

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  6. Ye gads.
    I've never had a geeky boy and hell if I know where to find them.
    And this week has confirmed my beliefs that biys complicate everything, though I still think the right one would be worth it.
    Intelligence is the fist thing I look for. Start using "at" at the end of a sentence and I won't even be able to talk to you.

    I love your take on all this...as per usual.
    =)

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  7. Hmmm... well not that I'm any expert in relationships, especially since I'm back in the "scene" again, but I think that intelligence is one of those attributes like "creativity" which is best expressed in context. Knowlege is like having tools, but intelligence is knowing how to use them. And I think the best application of intelligence is in being able to react to new situations and work through them to find solutions.

    Both in relationships and in other situations, intellegence opens up possibilities that we might not otherwise see. Thus in my mind, intelligence is closely linked to humor (mine is typically wry), creativity (I am artistic and musical), and intuition (I think logically, but also am emotive and can think outside the box).

    For what it's worth, I've found that paradoxically the best and yet worst place to find and form connections with peers is on Second Life. I have met some of the most shallow people, but I have also formed some deep and meaningful relationships.

    I've had much better luck finding people I can relate to online than I have in "real" life. Your mileage may vary... ;-)

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  8. I can't find geeky guys around here... Fair enough, I live in suburban southern Florida, and am in high school.
    Intelligence, though, is very good. The only guys I ever dated (two, back in 9th grade, and I'm going to be a senior in a few weeks' time) were both dumb as posts, unfortunately. The one guy I've had a crush on this year is fun and nerdy and even cute and going off to Rice for pre-med on the 14th of August, meaning we aren't gonna date or anything, alas.

    In short: grr, argh.

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  9. If geeks had been as cool as they are now back when I was in junior high and high school, I would have been the Mack Daddy *and* the Daddy Mack instead of ending up the Big Mac Daddy I am today.

    Dammit.

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  10. Also, I tend to hang out in the area of the library and bookstores, and will be adding the comic book store to my list once I get a job.

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  11. I met my wifie online and I didn't expect to. Just sorta happened. Anyways, she's got the intelligence thing down having her BA in psych. She's not the same geek as I am, but a geek in her own way. I encourage her own geek interests and I adore her when she glee's all over the place when she gets into it. :)

    S.

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  12. Hmmm... well not that I'm any expert in relationships, especially since I'm back in the "scene" again, but I think that intelligence is one of those attributes like "creativity" which is best expressed in context. Knowlege is like having tools, but intelligence is knowing how to use them. And I think the best application of intelligence is in being able to react to new situations and work through them to find solutions.

    Both in relationships and in other situations, intellegence opens up possibilities that we might not otherwise see. Thus in my mind, intelligence is closely linked to humor (mine is typically wry), creativity (I am artistic and musical), and intuition (I think logically, but also am emotive and can think outside the box).

    For what it's worth, I've found that paradoxically the best and yet worst place to find and form connections with peers is on Second Life. I have met some of the most shallow people, but I have also formed some deep and meaningful relationships.

    I've had much better luck finding people I can relate to online than I have in "real" life. Your mileage may vary... ;-)

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  13. I tried the online thing. The free sites are full of horny losers (no offense, but that's the impression I got). And I'm too cheap to pay for eharmony. Perhaps I believe you can't buy love.

    I'm a librarian too, so you think I'd have a nice ocean to choose from, but alas, I am too old for undergrads.

    If you find a nerd-boy haven, please let me know!

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  14. my thoughts precisely!
    when I say that I look for intelligence often get met by a bewildered look quickly followed my some eye rolling...

    Geeks looking for geekettes, I know they exist, just haven't found one in this s-expat haven that is bkk..

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  15. Intelligence is muy importante, of course, but don't underestimate the significance of a sense of humor. Intelligence alone, in my experience, is often a dry and pompous sort of thing. Add a twinge of humor and you've got yourself a gold mine.

    One thing that I think is important to note is what Saliana mentioned. We're everywhere. :) I've met some of the most fascinating people while attending Roller Derby events here in Los Angeles. I NEVER would have expected to find geek girls that, when they're not knocking people against the rails, are quiet, shy and disastrously funny and compelling women.

    @chipch13

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  16. geek galS? you actually know a bunch of them!?

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  17. I am still soul searching myself, but I have found that online sites are a double-edged sword. On one hand I have been able to build confidence in defining what I am about and what I am looking for in a partner, but at the same time many of the women I have met from the internet, especially on free sites, are only in it as a rebound or casual dating tool.

    I suppose that these would also be issues in the "real world," but I've found that if meet geeky girls in person you are a lot more successful at selling yourself, taking the big risks, and spending quality time together. The internet just builds unreachable preconceived notions about one another... I've learned to pretty much avoid it.

    That said, I'm still looking. Keep telling yourself, though, that if you're in a similar position: never settle, always be honest and upfront, and trust that little voice inside your head. One of the roughest things I've learned is that sometimes a kiss really is just a kiss. If you aren't feeling the connection you thought you would be feeling, take the higher road for yourself and your sanity.

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